Joy and Tragedy

How does one feel such opposite extremes of emotion without shattering into a million pieces? How does one put those emotions and the events that caused them into words? How does one go on living? I do not know the answers to these questions, and yet here I am, attempting to do all three.

Was it my own arrogance, my own hubris, my own overconfidence that caused this? But no, I cannot blame myself, for if I look beyond my guilt, I know that the outcome would have been the same no matter who was there at that moment. Others may blame me still, even as they pretend sympathy, and I will accept that. They would have made a different choice, but my instincts led me to this decision, and again I say, the outcome would not have been different. The pain I see in my beloved's eyes, and in my own when I gaze in the mirror are enough. I do not need the condemnation of others.

Tell the story then, you say, these vague words are not enough. Very well. You may judge for yourself, but do not judge too harshly.

My life these last months has been blessed. I have known such love and joy as I have never known in all my years. Why could it not last? Ah, you say, it never does. We mortals must be brought back to earth once in a while, that kind of happiness is only for stories, not for real people. Nevertheless, my joy was complete. I found the man of my dreams, my love, my star, Thorren. Our friendship bloomed into a love unparalleled, we dreamed of our future together. We were married, and soon after found out that I was carrying our child. As the months passed, and my belly swelled, I began to suspect that I was carrying not one child, but twins. I was trained as a midwife by my mother, you see. I know the mysteries of a woman's body as she grows a new life within, I know the signs, and as it turns out, I was correct, but I will get to that.

My pregnancy progressed with relative ease, despite how large I grew. I continued my activities as before, hampered only by the size of my belly. I trusted in my own knowledge, and in my body. I do not give my trust easily to others, I do not often ask for help, I am a very private person. You need to understand these things about me to understand why I made the decision that I did. I have said that my mother trained me as a midwife, and though she lived her whole life in a tiny isolated island village, she was the finest healer I have ever known. The only other person that I would have wanted with Thorren and I as I birthed my babes would have been her, but she passed into the void many years ago. And so, we chose to bring our children into the world with no assistance from outsiders. Thorren and I wished to share this most intimate of moments with no one but ourselves, in the peace and silence of our home, surrounded by our love.

Was it only three days ago? The time seems to pass so slowly, as if in a dream. I was harvesting foodstuffs for my friend, Heryn, when my contractions started. I tried to ignore them at first, and did not tell Thorren, so as not to alarm him. Finally I told him that I wanted to go home, and so we returned to our house. I felt so secure in our bedroom, safe with my love and so excited to finally meet our babies that we had waited so long for. I leaned on his strong shoulders as my contractions grew stronger, and told him that the time had come. Very soon, I found myself pushing, and I exulted in the strength of my body as it did its work. Such power, such perfection is a woman's body as she births! I felt the strength of generations of women before me present in the room, women who had done the exact same thing, I felt a connection with these spirits and at that moment, I felt complete.

At the next moment, as my son emerged from my body, and I saw his tiny, blue, lifeless face, my grief matched my joy of only seconds before. I tried, I did. The cord was wrapped so tightly around his neck, there was nothing that I could have done, not as a midwife, not as a healer, not as a mother. I am a druid, not a necromancer. I could not bring our tiny perfect son back from the dead when he had not taken even his first breath. Even as I held him, sobbing, feeling the heat of my own body escape from his soft skin, my body continued its unfinished work. Our daughter's first cries joined with our own, and it seemed that she also mourned the brother that had shared the womb with her.

I lay here now, nursing my daughter, as I write this. She is a solemn, quiet baby, she seems to know too much already of the pain of the world. It is as if she understands that there is one missing, of course she does... She knew him far better than I did, sharing the space and warmth of my body for nine months. The strength of her suckling shocks me back to reality, I would willingly sink into the blackness and despair that calls to me if not for her. Three days and still she is unnamed. My son though... My son has a name. Thorren chose it, and when he told me, with tears in his eyes, I could only nod.

This is a birth announcement of sorts, I suppose, but not how anyone would have expected or hoped. With open arms and broken hearts, we held our son, Odun Hawke Steelwind. My life now is lived only for his sister, our daughter, the little red-haired princess in my arms. A name is needed, I suppose, and while I have been writing one has occurred to me. I will have to ask Thorren, but I think he will approve...

I cannot write more, my heart is heavy and I am so weary. Judge me if you choose, now that you have heard the story, but know my pain.